Discover the Values YOU Want to Live By (Journaling Exercise)

Early last year (yes, in pre-COVID times, so actually 10 years ago in January of 2020), I learned that I’ve been talking about the values I live by all wrong. When someone asks you “what are your values” we respond with the typical things: kindness, honesty, integrity, love, respect. You get the picture. We may have sprinkled in a few more things to the routine line-up (like inclusivity and authenticity), but its still somewhat the same pool of words for everyone. It doesn’t really vary too much from person to person. This is particularly true of people in like-minded communities. Why is that?

What if we approached our values differently…?

Well a really simple answer is that people are listing their community values, not their own. Most of the values that first come to mind are what they all have subscribed to hold up within their respective groups. This can be within their family, neighborhood, church, team, town, or even much bigger, their nation. But, what are our specific values that we want to live by and that really matter to us? What do you actually value most?

This concept blew my mind in a workshop I attended last January because I realized I had never actually asked myself what are my values. I had only ever thought of values as the ones we are expected to have based on the type of community I’m a part of. That doesn’t mean I don’t value kindness, honestly, and respect. But, are those the most important values to me? Are they my top priority of values I want to live by?

What values are important to YOU?

This is a tough question because it’s much harder to whittle down a list of good things that you want than of bad things you don’t want. During the workshop, the facilitator posed an interesting way to think about what values actually matter to you the most. Think about the last argument or difficult conversation you were in where you felt hurt in some way. Why did you feel hurt? Most likely whomever caused you that hurt acted against one of your values. 

Step 1: Reflect & Write

I decided to do a little journaling exercise to find out exactly what my values were that I want to live by. If you want to follow along and discover your values as well, grab your journal, your favorite pen, maybe a tasty snack or two, and settle into a comfy spot where your creative and self-reflective juices can flow.

Think about these questions below and get writing!

• What do people know me for? 
• How would I describe myself?
• How would the people closest to me describe me? My family? My friends? My partner? My co-workers?
• How would I like the world to interact with me? 
• Thinking of my future self in my most powerful element, how would I describe her?
• How do I want to live every day?
• What do I want to be known for? What impact do I want to make?
• What do my values mean to me?
• What can I commit to now to start living my values every day?

After reflecting on these questions, you should have a lot of amazing insights about what matters most to you. If not, don’t worry! Take some time (a few days or a week, however long you need) to think on the questions. Tap into your intuitive muscles to get a sense for what feels right for you. Ask people who know you well to help answer them. If you’re still having trouble, think through a few moments where you felt really hurt in this past year. What about that interaction was hurtful to you? Try to connect the feeling to a specific value that did not get met in that moment. 

Step 2: Note Themes

Once you have thoughts written down that you feel good about, read through them a few times. Circle or highlight what stands out. Did you mention a few words several times? Did you write about one moment particularly strongly? On a separate paper, jot down some broad themes (a word or a short phrase each). Notice what is rising to the top of your reflection. 

Step 3: Name & Define

Once you have your broad themes, work through them to clearly and succinctly tie the essence of what you value to a word (or a couple of words). Then, define them based on what they specifically mean to you. Defining your values can be extremely helpful for if you ever need to communicate them to someone else. Respect and kindness can mean different things or represent in different ways to different people. It’s helpful to have what it means to you clearly spelled out. That way you can better set expectations for other people, and yourself. 

Step 4: Hold Yourself Accountable! 

These values are the most important to you. They are defined by what you want to live by and the action you choose to prioritize. Share them! Celebrate them! Share them with your co-workers so they know how you want to be treated. And, how they can expect you will treat them in return. Share them with your loved ones so they can understand what matters most to you. Create a healthy environment to navigate difficult situations in the future together. Hang them up on your wall, your vision board, or by your mirror. That way they can serve as a daily reminder for how you want to carry yourself in the world.

I did this journaling exercise and LOVED it because it was filled with all of the self-reflection goodness that I geek out on. Pages and pages of my journal are filled with notes on what matters most to me and why.

Values you can expect in the Stellar community

In the spirit of holding myself accountable, I’m sharing my values here with you! Every time you interact with me on Isn’t She Stellar, and in life, here is what I commit to. And, what you can expect from me:

• Wellness: Prioritizing my physical, mental, and spiritual health so I can live a productive and sustainable life. 
• Self-work and self-care: Investing in my personal growth and well-being every day. Enable myself to be confident and proud in how I walk this world, and in how I engage with others. To do that I commit to looking inward, reflecting, working on the hard things that may scary to look at. This includes celebrating all progress (no matter how big or small)!
• A safe place to fail: Embracing a positive mindset around failure and learning from my mistakes. Understanding that in order to grow, failure is an inevitable and essential part of the process. Welcoming failure with open arms. And, nurture the value I gain from the experience to keep learning and trying new things. 
• Authenticity: Staying true to myself and what I value, and committing to living courageously, honestly, and with vulnerability. 
• Community: Nourishing meaningful, thoughtful connections with others. And, creating a supportive environment where I can empower myself and others to live strongly. 
• Continuous learning!: Live an unlimited and enriched life fueled by knowledge and understanding. Step out of my comfort zone and expand my personal horizons by learning something new everyday. 
• Intentionality and Focus: Clarity of vision in the life I want to build. Defining success on my own terms. Putting in the work to achieve my goals in alignment with my vision. Letting go of what does not add value. 

By living strongly and powerfully in these values, and committing them to action, I embrace confidence, pride in myself and my community, and living a life of self-designed happiness. 

What are your values? Share them in the comments, or tag me on Instagram @isntshestellar for a like and a share!

Shine On!

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