Hello Friends!
In this post, I’ll dive into some needed real talk of what its like to be in mental health recovery and a giant season of change. This is all coming from my personal experience of what it’s really like to actively be on the mend towards up-leveling in life. If you want to learn more about my journey so far, please read here.
Happy Reading!
A year ago, things were wildly different
It’s been a year since I started this blog, and I honestly thought it would be in a totally different place than it is right now. Really, I thought everything in my life would be astronomically different.
A year ago, I was finally living in my own place in my adopted home of D.C., working for what was once my dream job and company, and just trying to get through the confusing and chaotic start of the pandemic like the rest of the world. I was also very expertly ignoring the horrible state of my constant, severe anxiety and deep depression (for a lot more on that, read my post on the biggest lessons I learned in 2020). I felt stuck, and frustrated, yet determined to do something about it. So, I created a website in a blurry craze thinking it was going to be a piece of the puzzle to solving my problems.
I had a plan…and I failed
There was a plan. I was going to work on it this many hours a week, and create that much content, and get these many subscribers at this rate, and by that checkpoint I’d be this far along to turning it into a decently monetizable, and scalable, side-hustle. Yep, on top of my 7-10+ job (let’s be real, the 9-5 is dead). It all seemed totally manageable and just “what I should be doing“. My mantra basically was: “when in doubt, work hard, hard, hard.”
So as you’ve probably guessed, nothing turned out according to my ridiculous plan (*shock*). When paired with reaching a critical point in my mental health, life had other plans for me. And its not just about pulling the reigns on a silly blog. My now diagnosed depression and anxiety had, unchecked, built up to a point where it was forced to be the focus of my attention.
But failure isn’t a bad thing. If fact, I needed it
A year later, I have finally let go of a low-key passively abusive and toxic work environment, moved across the Atlantic, and went all-in on coming face-to-face with how I’m really doing mentally (answer: not that great). All of this change kicked off an amazing, terrifying, frustrating, isolating, and freeing season of life.
And yet, the last version of myself would have called all this a failure. She would have balked at the missed milestones and inconsistency in my blogging, screamed at the thought of losing any financial or independent security, fought at admitting I needed help, and hurled at the thought of sharing that with anyone ever.
It’s just all so silly now. Obviously, her time is over and I’m in process of moving on to version 2.0; a version who looks out for and actively cares for her mental health and wellbeing. Its taking time, and I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I’m in process. I’m on my way, but I’m not quite there, yet.
There are so many assumptions and expectations that jump in during a season of change, especially when you’re dealing with mental health recovery. I’ve struggled with several of them. Here are the five biggest real talk moments that struck me the hardest:
(1) You can’t just flip a switch and be the next version of yourself. The old you will absolutely fight to keep the reigns, even if you want her to let go.
Man, this one really kicked me in the ass. You go through such heavy mental, emotional, and even spiritual work to decide you need to shed the current version of yourself, that you forget actually doing it is a complete different ballgame. I could not be more serious about this. It will take every ounce of you to:
- realize the way you are thinking, being, living, acting isn’t good for you or serving you anymore;
- dig deep to understand why you can’t keep thinking, being, living, acting that way anymore; and finally,
- decide “okay, it’s time to let this go” and really, truly be okay with that deep down.
People assume and imagine moving into the next, higher version of yourself is this amazingly wonderful and empowering experience. The reality (at least for me) was that it was completely full of fear. But, I decided I had to ignore it in order to keep going. I knew, deep down, that if I let that fear control me I would stay stuck exactly where I was. And that was not working. The fear was very clearly also not going anywhere, so I learned very quickly that I had to just accept it and keep it moving.
I still feel that fear, even right now (its saying “people are going to think this post is so dramatic and self-centered. This is stupid. Don’t write this.“). All that fear is just the old version of me fighting to stay in charge. She didn’t really like that I went on this whole self-reflective journey which resulted in me deciding to phase her out. She’s hell bent on survival at all costs (She didn’t go through all of that shit for nothing!).
Every decision I tried to think through, she plopped her ass right down at the table like I asked for her opinion. She shoved her foot into every closing doorway as I tried to shut her out. Every step I took, she was right there with me, pointing in the other direction and calling me an idiot for going the wrong way. (Hey, it’s real-talk.)
I couldn’t get rid of her because she was still, is still, and always will be a part of me. I assumed I could just put her into a tidy little box once I decided I was done. And, neatly unpack the shiny new me when I was ready. Yeah, it super doesn’t work like that.
She’s still here, telling me I’m doing everything absolutely backwards. And, screaming at every little inane thing she would do differently. I just kind of have to tune her out as best I can. And with practice, its starting to become easier and easier. I call her Anxiety, and I’m sure one day I’ll barely hear her whisper. It’s just not realistic to think I can super-launch myself to a new place as soon as I decide I want to be there.
I have to tell myself that a lot.
(2) Even though you’ve redefined what matters most to you, the people who you used to surround yourself with haven’t. Knowing what they probably think about you now will hurt. This will make it harder to let go, especially in times of doubt.
Because we are egotistical creatures, we can forget that everyone else is not on the same ~journey~ as we are. We can put so much work into carefully crafting version 2.0 that it’s a wake up call when we realize no one notices even a sliver of the effort you’re putting in. Yeah, it stings.
What’s really hard is trying to improve yourself, and change years of habits and thought patterns. Especially when you’re still surrounded by people, places, and ideals that reinforce the belief systems that you’re trying to break. It makes you second guess if you really want to go in that new direction. Or, if you’re wrong in thinking the way that you do. It’s very much a fish swimming against the stream feeling. And you will feel every single drop of resistance.
It’s hard to realize you no longer look up to your old mentors and confidants. It’s difficult to talk with your friends and loved ones who once celebrated, encouraged, and even looked up to your past actions and values. Yeah, you may feel like you’re letting everyone down. Heck, you’ll even feel like you’re letting yourself down.
But here’s the truth: you aren’t. You’re doing yourself, the people around you, and your future the best service you possibly can by going through the truly difficult work of up-leveling. There will be new mentors, confidants, peers, and friends who will value, encourage, and celebrate everything you’re working towards and who you will become.
Does this mean you need to leave everyone behind? No. Definitely not. Your friends, family, and loved ones can appreciate and celebrate your growth. Just remember that not everyone will. Many will continue subscribing to the old ideals you let go of. And, they may frown upon what you’re trying to accomplish. It will get to you, but don’t let it change your mind.
(3) Yes, you will absolutely doubt (and even sometimes regret) every decision you make.
Remember old me? Yes, she’s still around. She’s doing her best to stay in the picture as I move through this nebulous state into 2.0 me. Everyday, she makes sure I remember every reason for believing the ideals I used to subscribe to. And, every great thing I am missing out on or leaving behind because of it. Her strategy is guilt, regret, second-guessing, shame, isolation, and doubt. Its pretty effective.
Nothing will change the fact that you’ll feel those things. But, you can choose whether or not you’ll listen to it.
You don’t have to be perfect every time either. Sometimes you’ll listen to the doubt, and take a step backwards. It’s okay, you’re not failing. Growth is a hot, swirly mess that goes in every which direction, eventually getting you where you’re headed. Its not one perfect planned step ahead of the other. You will beat yourself up, because you’re still letting go of old you. But, try not be too hard on yourself.
I have to tell myself that a lot, also.
(4) Working on your mental health can really be an ugly process. Whatever way you decide to handle it is totally okay (as long as its healthy/non-harmful). It’s not anyone else’s business, but they will make assumptions about how you’re doing anyway.
Mental health recovery is a completely personal and unique-to-you process. If you need time, take time. Take space if you’re better served by taking space. If you feel like sharing how you’re doing to keep yourself accountable, then by all means, please share with anyone and everyone you like! As long as what you are doing is truly serving you and your healing, then that’s all that really matters.
I spent a lot of time putting unnecessary, and really heavy, pressure on myself thinking I needed to be recovering in a certain way. Or, that it had to look a certain way. Who is that all really for?? Other people. And, their expectations and assumptions about what I should be doing, or how I should be recovering. What they think or assume doesn’t really matter.
For example, I started posting little snippets of what I get up to each day on Instagram and Tik Tok. They started because I struggled to find joy or excitement in how I spent my time. Everyday felt so burdensome and things I used to love doing were just meaningless tasks. By taking a tiny moment to appreciate what I saw or what I could do helped me start to celebrate where I am and how much progress I’ve made. It’s helped me focus on what makes me happy versus seeing everything with shades of grey. Again, the stories and posts were just for me and I enjoyed making them.
Of course, others saw what I was doing online and all sorts of assumptions started about the truth of my mental state. I was posting again, so obviously I was fully recovered and doing better (nope). That means I have all the energy needed to have a fully normal day (no). My friends and family started to assume I was a lot better than I really was. And, sometimes unintentionally dismissed signs that an activity or conversation was too much for me. It started this really difficult self-gaslighting cycle where I couldn’t tell how I was really doing anymore. I couldn’t tell if I needed rest or help, or if I was just being “grouchy, “too sensitive,” or “dramatic.”
The assumptions extended to my family as well. Close friends started thinking everything was back to normal at home. They didn’t understand why we were too exhausted for loved ones or visitors. I am very lucky that my family has chosen to go through this with me everyday. And, that means they are really going through this recovery with me as best they can. They are helping me carry what I can’t right now, and that’s work. It’s not easy. Learning, failing, trying again, and supporting one another, through something neither of us have much previous knowledge of or any experience in, can be draining and confusing. Since onlookers thought I was “cured”, there was push-back at our continued need for space and privacy.
I have so many more examples of this, but the biggest thing is that recovery and change can bring about strong emotions such as loss, sadness, grief for what once was, and failure for what you’ve let go of – for you and for those supporting you. Take what you need in order to process and heal in a way that supports your health. And, try not to be pressured or distracted by what everyone else is thinking.
(5) Once you stop doing things “the way you’re supposed to” you start to realize there really aren’t any rules. It’s super scary and very intimidating…but also starts to look pretty cool.
Its taken me a lot of time to really start to digest this one. And, I’m just getting started. Getting some distance and time away from the “this is how you’re supposed to do things” mentality has been key for helping me do that (e.g., leaving social and work environments that live, breathe, and eat that mantra).
We are culturally raised into one dominant success story: go to school, test well, get good grades, do all of the activities, go to college, lead a bunch of stuff, get a good job, work really hard, get promoted, get married, buy that house, have kids…you know the drill. The reality is that there are an infinite amount of success stories out there because “being successful” is really how youdecide to define it for your life, not what someone else dictates it should be.
When I worked corporate, a successful day used to be measured by how productive I could be. As well as, the sheer volume of things I could achieve at the highest possible quality I could exert on every task. Now, success looks like going 24 hours without having a panic attack or debilitating anxiety. Sometimes, in order to do that, that means I need to do “nothing” all day and “achieve nothing.” In reality, at this stage in my mental health recovery, I’m learning and appreciating that doing “nothing” (aka. taking the rest my body and mind needs) to not have a panic attack is actually quite the achievement.
Our perspective of what is “successful” should change as we up-level in life. If it never does, are we really growing? Are we really honoring each season of life we experience if what we measure ourself against remains constant? Letting go of that cultural success narrative was heartbreaking, terrifying, and nerve wracking. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But, I know I’m better for it. I’m moving forward into the person I truly will be proud to become.
In doing that, you realize that the page is totally blank for you to rewrite the success story that you want to subscribe to. The world is truly your oyster. What do you want to do with it?
This realization can be the most terrifying and horrible feeling ever. It’s like ripping off this giant band-aid that you didn’t notice was completely wrapped around your whole body. For many of us, what we strive towards, and what dictates our actions and desires, can form a part of our identity. Stripping that away leaves you naked, vulnerable, and exposed. What do you believe in now? How do you structure and guide yourself? It’s overwhelming.
But, its also freeing. If the old success story was making you small, unhappy, and burnt out, then write a new one. Write one that energizes you and makes you want to get out of bed and conquer every day. Write a success story that will make you a better version of yourself than you are now. You just have to decide who that will be.
Go create 2.0 you!
This takes hard work, lots of time, and an unbelievable amount of patience, but mental health recovery isn’t easy. Nor, is deciding and committing to up-leveling your entire world-view. At the end of the day, its all about what mindset we want to embody as we move forward in life.
My 2.0 self is in the making. How about yours?
With love,
