It’s Okay to Take a Break (My Biggest Lesson of 2020)

Introduction

Hello Friend, 

Before we dive in, I want to quickly preface what you are about to read. This is a personal story about my own experience navigating a period of feeling horribly and helplessly stuck, needing rest and recovery, and coming face-to-face with my long-neglected mental health struggles through a mental rock-bottom of sorts. They are each separate, but also very much the same. 

So much has happened this year for every one of us, that this story isn’t special or unique. In fact, I’m confident it is shared by many. And that’s why I feel compelled to tell it. Yes, there is an other side. Yes, you can get there. Yes, the work, the pain, the loss is worth it. 

This post serves as the first taste in a short series on this period in my life that so many others experience: transition from our old selves into the new, navigating mental health struggles, feeling terribly stuck, and making difficult choices to follow what is right for us. While it is just the overview of the massive transition I’m currently navigating, the subsequent posts in this series will dive into each of the three life-changing breaks I had this year, the circumstances that led to them (that we all share and experience), and how I weighed my options, leaned on my support system, somehow tackled obstacle after obstacle, asked for help, and eventually found my way to an other side that is best for me. Not what other people think I should be doing. 

Maybe this story, and the series to follow, resonates with you. And maybe it doesn’t. Both are perfectly okay. Either way, you are not alone. 

And so we go…

One of the hardest things I’ve ever learned is that it is perfectly okay, and in fact normal, to take a break.

Somehow in all of the years of training, practicing, studying, interning, volunteering, side-hustling, and working, I never really figured out how to take a break. And, I never truly got comfortable with taking one. My go-go-go lifestyle quickly turned into “you-can’t-stop-until-you’re-exhausted“, and my desire to be as productive as possible made me uncomfortable with taking time to myself. 

This year, I learned the hard way what taking a break really means, and then, somewhat by choice and also somewhat not at all, I decided to take the biggest break of my life. 

A Year of Three Breaks (and How I Finally Learned to Pay Attention to my Mental Health)

One of the things I stood by when starting this blog is sharing my self-work and self-care journey with you. So here I am, 5 months later from when I last wrote, in a totally different place. Literally. Since July, I’ve dealt with the biggest health scare of my life (and giant wake up call), quit my job, moved out of my apartment (that I just moved into 6 months before), sold everything I owned, and lugged the rest of my things out of D.C. so I could be closer to my family.

Yeah, I know. Yikes. Talk about drastic. Did I know I was going to be doing any of these things in July? No, I did not. 

However, here I am on this huge, terrifying, and life-course-changing break…smack in the middle of a global pandemic. It’s my latest of three monumental breaks this year: (1) a necessary break, (2) an involuntary break, and (3) a chosen, intentional, and purpose-driven break. Through each one, I’ve learned (whether I wanted to or not) that breaks are really okay. In fact, they’re healthy. No one needs to give you permission, only yourself. 

Taking each one made me learn tough, but needed, lessons in my mental health journey. Now, taking a break has changed the course of my life…and I know I’ll be better for it. 

This post is incredibly long by blogging standards (I get pretty deep and personal), so in case you want a sneak peek of what some of my lessons learned are, here is the TL:DR version:

Here’s what I’ve learned about taking breaks this year:

• Breaks are okay, necessary, and healthy.
• If you try to power through and skip your breaks, it will catch up to you.
• Your value and worth are not tied to your productivity and personal achievement. Taking a break shouldn’t feel “wrong” or that you are losing precious time. And, needing a break doesn’t mean that you are weak or that you have failed in some way.
• Breaks are not the same as vacations. You can go on a vacation and not be taking a break. A true break is time to yourself to recharge, heal, grow, recover, and rest. There are no plans and no expectations besides the ones you intentionally set for the purpose of self-care. A break is when you spend this time alone with yourself to just be. 
• There may come a time in our life where a life-changing break is needed. Have the courage to listen to your body and your intuition, and invest that time in yourself as best you can. 

Burned Out & Ignoring Your Mental Health is Not a Recipe for Success

Pretty much since starting my now previous corporate consulting job, I’ve been burned out. It’s not an easy gig and I struggled to find work-life balance. (It didn’t take long for me to understand that when people at work talked about encouraging “work-life balance“, they really just meant how to fit your life around all of your work so that you feel like you have a life, when you really don’t.) It was a hard enough thing to do on its own, never mind navigating it with years of struggling (and failing) to manage chronic anxiety and depression. 

In the beginning, I hardly ever took a break. During my first year there were times when I didn’t feel like I could take a few minutes to use the restroom, let alone the laughable thought of refueling on food. (Lunch? What is that?). One of my first bosses literally told me that “breaks are for the weak.” And so they were, because I chose to subscribe to that standard of performance. I never went to the doctor, didn’t take sick days, and worked pretty much every night and weekend. I started off early running myself into the ground, and sure enough, my already sub-par mental health took a deeper toll. 

Since my work pretty much was my life for the past 4 years, it of course played a huge role in my mental health. I also don’t want to allude that work is the complete cause of, nor the primary driver of my now-medically diagnosed anxiety and depression. It isn’t. My very serious symptoms started when I was 16, and through CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), I’ve learned that my nature and nurture (plus complete lack of ANY mental health awareness or education during my childhood) were leading me slowly down the path to having the mental health experiences I’ve had. 

Vacations and Breaks are NOT the Same

My depressive cycles have come and gone over the years, and this January it was back in full, and extremely powerful, force. Did my 4 years of continuous and severely unmanaged burnout play a part? Of course, it did. I was exhausted. Did I take vacations? Sure, of course. I loved and cherished them like my most precious treasures. But the difference is I was leaving one place of doing stuff, to go to another place to do more stuff. 

My vacations were hardly ever for me to just sit and be. They were filled with obligations and requirements and expectations and people to see and places to go and do this and do that, because who knows when you’ll get the chance to do it again. And no matter how much I loved every vacation, I almost always was missing the routine I’d established at home. (Wow, now even as I reflect on that, it sounds crazy. But it’s true.) 

A Necessary Break

Have you ever taken a break to just do nothing? I realized I hadn’t. Ever. So in the spring of this year I decided to take my first break. I intentionally took two weeks off of work with the sole purpose to just sit and be with myself. Yeah, of course a global pandemic meant I couldn’t really go anywhere even if I wanted to, but I wouldn’t have traveled anywhere even if I could have. No obligations, no expectations, no activities, no requirements. Just taking time to check in with myself, give my body and mind what they needed, and rest. 

How did it go? Well, at first, really horribly. 

As I said, I never really learned how to take a break. And suddenly having two weeks to just sit with myself and do nothing was hellish. I did not know how to do nothing. My project had just finished at work, so nothing was waiting there for me to stress and worry about. We were learning more and more about COVID every day, and I was doing my part by quarantining and staying in. I had nowhere to be and nothing to do whether I liked it or not. And I didn’t like it. 

I won’t lie, the first week was really hard. It feels stupid to say, but it was. I had the Sunday Scaries every single night (ah, my dear friend, anxiety). No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something I was supposed to be doing. Straight up, I felt I was just wasting time. Instead of rest and recovery I felt stressed, anxious, frustrated, and annoyed. 

But I didn’t give up. I didn’t really have a choice. (Well, I guess I could have voluntarily gone back to work early, but that would be insane). I decided to focus on three main things every day to feel like I was accomplishing something:

1. Get as much sleep as I can every night. I am a light and difficult sleeper so getting 8 hours a night is tough for me.
2. Workout and sweat for 30 minutes every day  safely, at home, and
3. Go for a walk in the sunshine every day while listening to a motivating podcast

That’s it. Just those three simple things. 

I started to train my mind around viewing those three things as my goals to strive for during my break. Soon, all of my nervous energy started pouring into them. In the evenings, I created a wholesome and relaxing nighttime routine to get me the best sleep possible. All of my alarms were turned off and I slept with the blinds open so I could rise with the sun. I dove into finding the best at-home workouts to get my desired results, and created a dedicated exercise space in my apartment to go to town in. My sweat playlist was refreshed, and I made picking my workout outfit a fun thing to do every day. Having my own space even gave me the confidence to wear some of the workout gear I absolutely love but wouldn’t feel okay wearing in the gym just yet. I enjoyed it! 

After a nutritious breakfast, I researched motivating fitness YouTubers. This quickly turned into exploring self-development and self-work content that I just couldn’t get enough of. I downloaded 20 new podcasts learning about meditation, self-healing, affirmations, visualization, manifestation, and self-discovery. My walks quickly turned into my favorite part of the day. I couldn’t wait to learn something new that energized me. Soon, that time became me investing in myself. 

And so, during my second week, I felt powerful. I was more in tune with myself, my desires, and my intuition than I ever have before. With rest and recovery, my brain fired a million miles an hour around things I enjoyed. I felt energized and filled hundreds of notes apps and journal pages with ideas. During that time, Isn’t She Stellar was born. 

I felt like a whole new person. I know that may sound insane, because yes, it was still just two weeks. But it was two weeks of an actual, first time ever in my life break. It was time set aside for me to heal, learn, and grow. And so I did. 

Wow, I needed it. And thus, my necessary break. 

An Involuntary Break

My second break this year was terrifying, soul-crushing, and completely unwanted, but an incredible wake-up call. 

After my horrible-turned-glorious two week break in the spring, I returned to work, but nothing felt right anymore. Everything I was doing felt so out of alignment with what I had learned about myself during my time away, and I was exerting all of my energy to keep up that feeling I connected with so strongly. Going back into the environment that kept me small and not at my best felt terrible. My burnout quickly returned and I recognized I had less tolerance for the normal day-to-day BS I had much more easily brushed off before. Was I getting weak? What was happening to me? 

My burnout fueled yet another strong cycle of depression. I struggled to keep my head above water. The things that used to work for me in managing my depressive cycles were not working. I stopped sleeping, stopped eating, or ate sparingly yet way too much. Eventually, I stopped working out. I no longer went outside and listened to my podcasts. I didn’t think about anything and I couldn’t invest in myself anymore. Soon I reached a level I’d never reached before, and I couldn’t even get my work done. Everything felt heavier and way more serious than they had in a very long time. Something was really wrong. 

My colleagues at work could see it, too. Usually, I am pretty decent at hiding my mental health struggles from everyone around me (typically because I just isolate as much as I can until I feel like I can safely join the human race again), but my bosses knew I was off. I kept getting pulled aside for one conversation or another on “how I was doing.” Most were just to serve as a gentle reminder that there is a job to get done, and “we are all in it together.” Okay. Like many times before, I pulled a few consecutive extremely late nights getting client work done, but this time was different. In July, I completely crashed. 

A Needed Wake-Up Call

Now typically when I have a serious depressive cycle mixed with strong anxiety symptoms, it manifests itself as a fever. This happens to me about 5 to 6 times a year since the onset of my depression when I was 16. On the one hand, this time was like those other times; I crashed and got a terrible 103-degree fever, but it was also completely different because it didn’t go away. Physically, my body broke down. My temperature stayed high for 3 days, my joints and muscles locked up, my jaw was searing in pain from clenching so hard. There were shooting pains in my stomach, and I struggled to stand and walk for fear of passing out cold on the floor with no one to find me. Mentally, my symptoms completely overwhelmed me. 

Of course, thinking I somehow got COVID (even though I hadn’t left my apartment or seen anyone for months), I went and got a COVID test. After getting the call that I was negative, I didn’t know what to do. Usually when I get these fevers they go away after a day or two and I can return to work no problem (well, still depressed and severely anxious, but no other physical problems I guess). This time I was three days in with no end in sight, and experiencing major panic attacks that I haven’t had for years.

After 5 days, I finally returned to work, but I was not really at work. I was barely mentally awake. I honestly don’t remember all of it, but I remember barely speaking in team meetings, staying mute during client meetings (a huge no-no), not getting anything done, and struggling to even answer simple questions.

“Celeste, what do you think of this?“…silence. My brain had slowed down so severely it literally couldn’t process what my ears were hearing for me to respond. 

I felt like I couldn’t even write my name down on a piece of paper. This had never happened to me before. I was terrified. My bosses were frustrated and concerned, rightfully so. The next day, I took off to go to the doctor. I had no idea what else to do. 

The details of that appointment aren’t important, but the gist of it is that I completely broke down when they made me take a mental health screening. I don’t cry in public (or I try my best not to) so that was an incredibly hard moment for me. Two hours later, I left the clinic with new prescriptions and a note that I was not allowed to return to work at this time until further future evaluations. 

And thus, my second completely involuntary break. 

A Chosen, Intentional, and Purpose-Driven Break

I could write a novel about how my medical leave went.

It was painful, gut-wrenching, and brought me to a whole new level of my sickness that I didn’t even know existed. That doctor’s note ended up lasting for almost 3 months. After seeing seven different psychiatrists and psychologists, I felt more vulnerable, raw, and numb than I ever have before. How many different times can you relive the most painful parts of your life to a complete stranger in the hopes that they can maybe empathize, understand, and help you? What’s the point if they can’t make the pain go away?

Every negative thought imaginable just lives constantly in your mind. And, you spend every ounce of (very little) energy you have fighting it off. Every morning you wake up, forced to go to war to live, only to do it all again the next day. There are no days off. 

Amidst all the chaos, one thing became clear (with the help of my doctors and loved ones): I needed a break. This time, I needed a break from the way my life was currently going. Everything I was doing, everything I was investing in, everything I was ignoring, everything I was choosing was leading me down this path. And it was clear I couldn’t continue. 

The goal of my medical leave was to get me healthy enough to return to work. The more I consulted with and was evaluated by my doctors, the clearer it became that my return was not coming any time soon. At least not on the current path I was on. I could still barely do one thing a day without collapsing afterward. Just simply talking to the people closest to me felt like the biggest effort in the world. I still needed a lot of help to function throughout the day. My brain was straining for rest and recovery.

And so, my huge, terrifying, and life-course-changing break was born. With the help of my family and loved ones, I left my job, sold everything I owned, packed and shipped what I was keeping, moved out of my apartment, transferred all of my medical care, and lugged my whole life away from the place I’ve called home for 8 years.

So in the end, here’s what I’ve learned about taking breaks this year:

I wish I could say that every step has been beautiful and inspirational and motivating. But, the reality is that every step is littered with “what if you fail” and “what if this is a huge mistake” and “are you insane, why are you throwing everything you worked so hard for away??” I’ve been called stupid, and disrespectful, and callous, and selfish for putting my health, my boundaries, and my needs first. I’ve lost people who were close to me, and respect from people I thought I wanted it from. If I listened to them, where would I be now?

Instead, I choose myself. I choose the future I envision where I am happy, healthy, and surrounded by loved ones who stood by me and held my hand when the days were darkest. I let go of everything that led me down the path to my horrible, involuntary break, and fully embrace every unanswered question and bump in the road that this terrifying yet liberating new break will bring. It is not sunshine and rainbows. There are good days, okay days, meh days, and very bad days. But, my commitment to myself, my self-work, and my self-care will lead me to grow more confidently into the woman I know I am. Each step I take, whether it lands or I fall, is carefully taken with purpose, drive, and intention. 

I choose that my mental illness ends with me. It will not pass on to my children. (Yes, I will have them—even though I told myself for years that I could never have a family when I feel this way). My poor habits and coping mechanisms to just survive the everyday war will be conquered and extinguished. My family will be educated in mental health awareness and united in our understanding of how we can support one another. What I have experienced so far in life ends with me. 

And with that, see you soon! I have so much work to do 🙂

A Few (More) Parting Notes:

• Thank you to my family, friends, and loved ones for supporting me and being there every step of the way. Thank you for cheering me on and holding my hand when I lose strength or forget to believe in myself. <3 
• A huge and humble thank you to my wonderful parents for teaching me responsible financial saving when I was a teen. Your lessons allowed me to even be in a position to quit my job and focus on my mental health in the first place. It is a privilege I’m grateful for. 
• If you or a loved one are struggling with mental health, here, here, here, and here are a few broad resources. They are a start to help you find the support you need. I will continue to educate myself on the best online resources as well and will include them in my weekly newsletters. Don’t forget to subscribe if you are interested in learning with me 🙂
• I will also be posting educational content on my personal Instagram account @celestelizzie. This aims to help myself and others interested in increasing their mental health awareness and understanding. As I mentioned in this incredibly long blog post (thank you for even making it this far), I did not grow up with any mental health education. Part of my gigantic self-work task ahead of me is to gain more knowledge, understanding, tools, and resources to empower myself and those around me going forward. 
• I will also be writing more about my experience and self-work from here forward on Isn’t She Stellar, in the hopes that it resonates with anyone going through the same. As I’ve said from day 1 on this blog, you are not alone. But if this isn’t you, don’t worry. All self-work and self-care content (mental health and wellbeing-related or no) will still have a place here. 

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