Okay let’s chat for a sec…
A new year is around the corner and lots of personal development & life coaches are out there sharing all of their tips, tricks, and hacks to setting goals and becoming the next best you. And, that’s perfectly fine! I love the personal development space and am so passionate about it. But, sometimes setting goals & taking advice on how best to do that can be more harmful than good, especially if you’re an anxious perfectionist like me.
Here’s what I mean by that:
If you’ve been following along on Instagram or in the Stellar Newsletter, you may know that I’m currently on a MASSIVE mental health recovery journey. Part of that means struggling with, and learning to heal, from perfectionism.
My whole life, when people would call me a perfectionist, I would take it as a compliment. But now, seeing the impact it’s had on my mental health…I understand how extreme and unhealthy true perfectionism really is.
In therapy, I’ve learned that everything comes on a sliding scale with low and high extremes. The goal is to try and find a healthy balance in the middle.
As a perfectionist, I operate (all the time) on an extreme. To find balance, and adopt a healthier mindset, I need to slide lower down the scale and instead operate somewhere in the middle (a healthier, more realistic place).
My extreme perfectionism is highly connected to my anxiety disorder. No matter how hard I work, how far I push myself, or how much I achieve, I always feel (and truly believe) it isn’t enough. I must work harder, do better, go father, achieve more…
So, when mentors, coaches, or bosses give general advice to “dream big,” “set big goals,” and “not create limits for ourselves”—I panic. This includes a lot of the advice given in the personal development space to “expand yourself” when visualizing, manifesting, and goal setting. I panic because internally I am already imagining the MOST and forcing myself to operate at an EXTREME MAX capacity…all of the time. My perfectionist brain contorts this and sees this level as “the bare minimum.”
Many of us who are anxiety prone tend to think the same. Whatever we are doing isn’t enough. So, when we hear this kind of advice, its validating our anxious thoughts.
Which led me to this big “ah-ha” moment…
As an anxious or perfectionist people…WE DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THAT ADVICE. It’s not even for us!!!
Advice for people to “dream big,” “do more,” and “aim higher” are for those who don’t think like that all the time. They are on the other end of that spectrum, and need to adopt those kinds of characteristics to “balance” and slide more towards the middle.
We need to hear and do the opposite to find balance. Instead, we need to take one thing at a time, slow down, only bite off what we can chew without burning ourselves out, or negatively impacting our mental health.
We need to rest, and be okay with making mistakes because they are normal! And, rest isn’t deserved, it’s required!
So, when thinking about goals…
…reflect on what side of the spectrum you are on. How do you typically operate? And, what do you need to adopt more of to “balance out” and slide more towards the middle?
If you’re a perfectionist, don’t listen to advice that says you need to do more of what you’re already doing at an unhealthy extreme!! When you hear this, take a moment to make a mental note and say “nope, that’s not for me!! I need to __________.”
A new month is coming, and a new year is around the corner… We are going to hear a lotttttt of this messaging. Do not panic!! Don’t feed into your anxious thoughts!
Take a deep breath, say “not for me,” and focus on what you need to find balance 💓
Here’s a little inside scoop for how I apply this in my day-to-day mental health recovery:
Curious about my mental health recovery journey so far? Click here, here, and here to learn more 🤗
Stay Stellar,
