Book Highlight: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

So, I honestly did not know the wild ride I was going to get into reading this book. Mark kicks off truly throwing some punches out there at folks and its like, my dude, are you trying to fight somebody??? I felt attacked. He clearly did not give a fuck about people’s feelings. “Stop caring, stop trying, there is nothing great about you, greatness is unattainable, and no one cares.” Um, okay, thank you for that total crash and burn, screeching halt to my self-esteem. Clearly, he has a preference for a ‘let me break you down so I can build you back up again’ approach. It’s tough to swallow, I was ready to fight back with this guy. Some of his comments about millennials I didn’t totally see eye to eye with him on (shocking). But, overall, I kept reading and now I get it. And, I agree.

Mark isn’t saying “give up, it’s pointless” he’s just saying “give up on stupid stuff that doesn’t matter.” The dumb stuff we choose care about is pointless and is making us miserable. Start actively caring and giving f*cks about the things that do matter. Stop putting your energy into stuff that doesn’t add value to your life, and understand that being happy means that you are always working on what you value, always solving problems that you care about. Okay Mark, yes.

My personal favorite was the discussion on values. I’ve definitely bookmarked those chapters for future when I forget about how important they are in our lives. Have you ever asked yourself what you value? I feel like we would kind of automatically say the usual things we always hear: honesty, trust, kindness… Those are good things, but are they truly what you value MOST at the end of the day. Are you living by values people said you should have? What are you actually measuring your life by? The f*cks we give tie directly back to what we chose to value in life. So if you’re giving too many f*cks about the wrong things, chances are you’re valuing the wrong things, too.

If you’re looking for a wake up call and a shocking perspective for looking at this whole happiness game totally differently, absolutely give this a read. Patience may be required, but 100% worth it in the end. Some key takeaways:

“Average” is the new “fail”

Constant, never-ending access to an insane amount of information reminds us of how average we are. It’s become the new “bare minimum.” But, those who become exceptional do so because they believe they are average.

• “Stress-related health issues, anxiety disorders, and cases of depression have skyrocketed over the past thirty years, despite the fact that everyone has a flat-screen TV and can have their groceries delivered. Our crisis is no longer material; it’s existential, it’s spiritual.”
• “Because there’s an infinite amount of things we can now see or know, there are also an infinite number of ways we can discover that we don’t measure up, that we’re not good enough, that things aren’t as great as they could be. And this rips us apart inside.”
• “Being “average” has become the new standard of failure.”
• “The rare people who do become truly exceptional at something do so not because they are exceptional. One the contrary, they become amazing because they are obsessed with improvement. And that obsession with improvement stems from an unerring belief that they are, in fact, not that great at all…People who become great at something become great because they understand they are not already great—they are mediocre, they are average—and that they could be so much better.”

We get to choose what we give a fuck about, so “find the shit you enjoy dealing with”

We can only move forward by embracing all of the ugly sides of life. Trying to live a life without shit or pain is just going to make you more miserable. Stop giving a fuck about the things that don’t matter, and start giving fucks about the things that do.

• “Learning how to focus and prioritize your thoughts effectively—how to pick and choose what matters to you and what does not matter to you based on finely honed personal values”
• “You can’t be an important and life-changing presence for some people without also being a joke and an embarrassment to others”
• “If you find yourself consistently giving too many fucks about trivial shit that bothers you, chances are you don’t have much going on in your life to give a legitimate fuck about”
• “No matter what you do, life is comprised of failures, loss, regrets, and even death. Once you become comfortable with all the shit life throws at you…you become invincible in a sort of low-level spiritual way.”
• “Greatness is merely an illusion in our minds, a made-up destination that we obligate ourselves to pursue, our own psychological Atlantis”

To be happy, you need to have problems, but the right kind of problems

Happiness is not about not having problems. There is no such thing as a life without problems for anyone—even the richest, most privileged person in the world. It’s about focusing on the problems that mean something to you, and not on the one’s that don’t add value to your life.

• “Happiness is not a solvable equation. Dissatisfaction and unease are inherent parts of human nature and…necessary components to creating consistent happiness”
• “Don’t hope for a life without problems. Instead, hope for a life full of good problems”
• “If you’re avoiding your problems or feel like you don’t have any problems, then you’re going to make yourself miserable. If you feel like you have problems that you can’t solve, you will likewise make yourself miserable.”
• “Happiness is therefore a form of action; its an activity…True happiness occurs only when you find the problems you enjoy having and enjoy solving.”
• “Who you are is defined by what you are willing to struggle for: “What pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for?””
• “There is no such thing as a personal problem. If you’ve got a problem, chances are millions of other people have had it in the past, have it now, and are going to have it in the future.”

Happiness is all about what you value

If you place value the wrong things, then you will never be happy. Better values means better problems means better things to give a fuck about. It’s not about giving no fucks. Its about giving your limited amount of fucks only to the things that really mean something to you. What do you value?

• “Our values determine the nature of our problems, and the nature of our problems determines the quality of our lives.”
• “Why do I consider this to be a success/failure? How am I choosing to measure myself? By what standard am I judging myself and everyone around me?”
• “Our values determine the metrics by which we measure ourselves and everyone else…If you want to change how you see your problems, you have to change what you value and/or how you measure failure/success.”
• “Good values are (1) reality-based, (2) socially constructive, and (3) immediate and controllable.”
• “Good, healthy values are achieved internally…can be experienced right now. Bad values are generally reliant on external events…[they] lie outside of your control.”
• “Values are about prioritization. What are the values that you prioritize about everything else, and that therefore influence you decision-making more than anything else?”
• “Prioritizing better values [is] choosing better things to give a fuck about. Because where you give better fucks, you get better problems. And when you get better problems, you get a better life.”
• “The magnitude of your success is based on how many times you’ve failed at something.”
• “Better values…are process-oriented. [They are] never completely finished; it’s a problem that must be continuously be reengaged.”

You can find his book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, here. Give it a read, tag @isntshestellar, and let me know what you think!

Happy reading! 💖

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