A personal reflection on birthday depression from someone diagnosed with major depressive disorder. (TW: death, depression, loss.)
Last week marked the end of my 27th year.
And, for people with depression, there’s a heavy finality to another year of life coming to an end.
Birthdays can be really hard, because they remind us of time passing by while we struggle in bed for days on end, stuck in the house too overwhelmed to join the world, wearing a smiling mask day after day when we’re truly in pain, putting off relationships and connections with others because we are fighting to survive in our own minds.
I know that sounds dramatic. But, that’s really how it feels. Those who have been there know what it’s like to understand that waking up that day and getting out of bed was the biggest victory in a brutal war that no one else knows exists.
These are the moments we think of around birthdays.
It’s hard to look back on your latest year of life and not feel like you let this one slip away from you, too.
How many days did I waste sleeping too much? How many experiences did I deny myself by staying in bed? How much of life did I tune out from by disassociating? How many people did I push away by choosing safety in loneliness?
For people with depression, another year passing means another step further in your own grave. It’s another year of unrecoverable time that passed you by while you struggled to actually live it.
Last week, I found myself grieving.
I felt the loss of another year consumed by mental disorders I have yet to learn to navigate. And each year feels heavier than the last.
I know these thoughts are my depression speaking. They aren’t the truth. But, how I feel is how I feel. So, I allowed myself to grieve.
Thankful for my people reminding me that 27 has been fucking awesome and I fucking kicked ass.
A special note to those struggling with birthday depression:
I feel you. I see you. Birthday depression is totally normal.
After working on myself for almost two years now, and pulling myself out of a deep rock bottom, it does get easier.
Now, I’ve got friends saying “you look happy” and “you glow different these days.” It means the absolute world. But, its a testament to sticking to the process.
The painful reality is: the only way out is through.
Having my friends and those close to me notice my progress is everything. I’m so emotional. But most importantly, I’m so PROUD of all the freaking HARD WORK I’ve put in to get here. You can, too.
And, it is hard work.
It’s nothing anyone else will ever see. It’s not on a resume, it’s not anything “productive” or “valuable” that means anything to anyone else.
And yet, it’s the most priceless investment in yourself that you will ever make.
Take care of your health, heal your mind, invest in yourself, and create that life you’ve always wanted for yourself.
It IS possible. It just takes committment, time, self respect, and patience.
I’m cheering you on.
Stay Stellar,
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